We are woven of the words bestowed on us. Made by the descriptions of our caregivers and peers. Beholden to the blessings and curses of stories of virtue and villainy, righteousness and wrong.
It is through story that we learn about people outside of our visible circles, tales that inform us who is worthy of our esteem and who is exploitable or disposable. Which differences can be reached across, and which should be walls.
What wretched worlds we weave from litanies of separation and superiority. The work of liberation includes unwinding the yarns that entangle us in webs of violence, and intentionally strengthening spells of connection through the words we choose to repeat. Connection to the truth of our luminous essence, and the interconnectedness of all beings.
Care full or care less words
English is a living process, interwoven fields of gesture and meaning pointing towards understandings that are momentarily shared. Words and phrases form a cultural shorthand, serving as placeholders for complex ideas based in communal history and perspective. Family, kin groups, schools, occupational fields, and religious groups often define and recognize each other with these specific vocabularies. That is part of how harmful phrases and perceptions get entrenched in our identities, and why it can feel uncomfortable to revise our word choices - we’ve spelled our belonging with the repetition of these stories.
It requires presence, patience, and precision to notice when our perceptions are being affected by the descriptors used on us or other people. It is especially important to notice the words and stories used to describe people who have been marginalized or have less perceived power in a conflict, and how that is used to make the seemingly more powerful people feel camaraderie with each other.
People who are entrenched in a worldview based on fear and superiority will make up stories of dehumanization to justify actions that would be unconscionable if the ones being harmed were woven into their tales of belonging.
We need only look at the ways mainstream news outlets have described the genocide in Gaza, or the direct quotes from leaders of the Israeli military speaking about the Palestinian people, to see this divisive world-forming narration in real time.
We saw an eerily similar fear-mongering spelling used after 9/11 to justify the war in Afghanistan and the formation of the DHS, and in countless campaigns and operations in my lifetime alone. In some ways, large-scale media exists to spread the narratives of those in power.
So we get to listen for a deeper truth.
How we all glow in the light of the same Sun. How we all come from the same human ancestors, and before that, the same amoeba that crawled from primordial sea onto newly-formed land.
I’m writing this piece in the window of and around Ramadan, Purim, and Easter, shortly after Spring Equinox. Humans and our more-than-human kin across the Northern hemisphere are celebrating renewal, rebirth, and the inevitability of growth. We are more alike than we are different.
We get to tell new tales, about who we really are, and how interdependent we are with each other, that call to account the harm being done to those most vulnerable without casting anyone out.
This is a place to practice the repair of the broken bowl, to tenderly and patiently make a new vessel that will be less violent, more likely to accurately convey exactly what you mean, and perhaps even move us towards harmony.
Words to re-imagine
Below is a collection of words I have gathered over the years through conversation, contemplation, and my language rebirth work that I invite us to reconsider using. Some of them have dehumanizing origins, some perpetuate racist or otherwise divisive perspectives, and they all have a capacity to cause harm.
This is not intended to be an exercise in perfectionism, political correctness or word-policing, but an opportunity to bring conscious awareness to the roots and meanings of the words we say. While minute and incremental, the words we repeat over time build us just as they shape the course of relationships, and they influence how others are perceived.
As you peruse this list you are invited to contemplate each word/phrase and its role in your life, and play with the alternatives suggested or come up with your own. Then if you notice yourself using the words against yourself or others, you might pause and ask if you want to make a different choice.
should, should have, shouldn’t, should not have
Holds the connotation of shame, that if you do not obey then you are “bad.” Connected to the idea that there is one right way to do or be and any other way is wrong. Weaponizes expectations against ourselves and others.
Try - Could, there’s a possibility, want to, it is my responsibility, I have committed to, if I had known, I made a mistake, I wasn’t able to follow through.
illegal alien
Dehumanizing. Objectifies people and feeds the idea that a human being can be illegal.
Try - undocumented person, asylum-seeker, displaced person, person who is seeking asylum, migrant.
minority
Inaccurate in some cases, as the combined total of all people historically considered minorities actually outnumbers the so-called majority. Makes it seem like marginalization is a passive happenstance, a state of being, and/or the fault of those it happens to, when really it is a product of ongoing choices by those with political and social power to disenfranchise, exploit, dehumanize and invisibilize others.
Try - People of the global majority, marginalized, under-served, disenfranchised.
slave, inmate, prisoner, felon, criminal, animal
Dehumanizing. In the case of slavery takes the responsibility off the perpetrators of human trafficking and turns the experience into the fault of the person who was kidnapped and enslaved. Conflates a condition inflicted upon a person (slavery, imprisonment, disenfranchisement, displacement) or actions they have committed (breaking the law) with their traits and identity.
Try - Enslaved person, victim of human trafficking, person who has been kidnapped, incarcerated person, person who has been convicted of a crime.
lazy
Weaponizes exhaustion, glorifies over-working and exploitation, historically used to force marginalized people to be employed by white people or be fined or imprisoned. Inaction can also be a cover for confusion, fear, or perfectionism.
Try - Needing rest, overworked, overwhelmed, needing more time, frightened, afraid of getting it wrong, uninspired.
dark, black (as bad), black comedy, black magic
Black assumed to denote something negative or evil, usually in opposition to or divergence from white which is assumed to be normal. Part of the examination of polarity versus dichotomy and noticing what we center as the standard and what is considered divergence, and the terms we use to describe them.
Try - that scares me, unsettling, that felt heavy, macabre, gruesome, grim, unusual, bleak, negative, harmful, mysterious.
this is how it’s always been
Shirks personal responsibility and capacity for evolution. Denies the dynamic nature of cultural thought and excuses ongoing harm.
Try - Listen for the relational, fair, an emergent action.
I’m a good person, I would never…
The fallacy that there is such a thing as a “good” person or “bad” person, that absolute and dichotomous values can be placed on people. Making declarative statements that assume the impossibility of growth and do not account for dynamic circumstances and relational adaptation.
Try - I’m committed to… I value… My aspiration is to… It’s important to me to… I strive to not…
killing it, owning it
Couples the ideas of completion and confidence with the violence of murder or enslavement.
Try - Doing great, well done, rocking it. Be specific - give the actual reason for praise
guys, you guys
Centers male as the standard and implies everyone not male is a deviation. Historically an effigy of Guy Fawkes burned annually to commemorate the thwarted Gunpowder Plot.
Try - You all, y’all, everybody, folks, people, kin, friends, hey team, everyone.
lame, retarded, stupid, dumb
Ableist and potentially harmful to people with mental health challenges or mental disabilities. When used against self (“I’m so stupid”) perpetuates oppressive self-harm.
Try - Disappointing, uncomfortable, annoying, poorly made, unclear, mistakes were made, confusing, draconian, obtuse, uninformed.
rule of thumb
Domestic violence - males were legally allowed to beat their wives if the stick they used was thinner than the width of the husband’s thumb.
Try - Rule of measurement, guiding principles, guideline, aspiration.
deadline
Violence, etymologically related to a Civil War practice of killing imprisoned people who crossed a physical line in the prison yard.
Try - Due date, completion date, goal end date.
you’re crazy, she’s so wild, that’s mental
Ableist when used to describe someone with a mental disability or neurodivergence. Pathologizes behaviors outside the narrow band of “normal.” Demonizes nonconformity, autonomy, and creativity. Considers our essential nature a deviation, something to be conquered and controlled. Glorifies colonization, conformity, obedience, and domesticity.
Try - Unbelievable, I wasn’t expecting that, that’s unusual to me, that’s mysterious to me, I don’t know how to respond, I find this behavior or experience frightening.
like a boss
Glorifies hierarchy and inequity, connected to Dutch word for master.
Try - Skillfully, with authority.
that sucks, that blows, that’s shitty
Turns bodily processes into insults and the body into an object of derision. Demeans people who engage in oral sex. Disconnects us from and creates judgments about our intestines, genitals, and by extension pleasure, birth, and defecation.
Try - that’s not what you wanted, that’s disappointing, I feel disappointed.
slaving away
Belittles the experience of enslaved people, conflates all tedious or challenging labor with slavery, disempowers speaker - that they were forced to work rather than chose it. Unless it is actually forced labor.
Try - Toiling, working hard, laboring, working with commitment.
asshole, pussy, dick, that’s a bummer
Using body parts as insults. Debasing the body as something bad and separate from the true self, then associating parts of that seemingly separate body with negative, thoughtless, violent, harmful, and/or cowardly actions.
Try - That felt like misogyny. I feel taken advantage of. That was dangerous. I feel unsafe. Rather than insulting a person, name the impact of their actions: “this is the harm you caused…”
classy
Conflates one’s class status with level of worth, attractiveness, intelligence, aesthetic elegance, confidence, and other markers assumed to be positive and/or superior.
Try - Confident, affluent, considerate, elegant, thoughtful, studied, aesthetically pleasing.
landlord
Feudal term associated with nobility, lords and ladies. The idea that someone can own land is a construct separating humans from the rest of nature and maintains class-based exploitation.
Try - Caretaker, person responsible for.
white (as a racial descriptor)
The conflation of white with good, positive, clean. Also, the general assumption that a person referred to without naming their race is white.
Try - Specifically naming their cultural inheritance, descendants of Europeans, or white-bodied.
slurs as belonging tools
While historically we have claimed words used to insult our ethnicity or orientations to reduce the pain and empower ourselves, the words still have harmful and disrespectful roots.
Try - Family, fam, comrade, sibling, cousin, co-conspirator.
sarcasm
Root word means “to tear flesh,” hides contempt, rage, disappointment, and sadness.
Try - Be direct and earnestly name your feelings.
normal
False reality, strengthens the idea there is a single right way.
Try - Common, typical, standard.
We are weaving a new tapestry of connection, one thread, one word at a time. Dare you choose material that will hold water and rainbow skin, feather and disability, treebark and body part with the same wholehearted care?